Oh£¬ hello
Jean Francois?
Jean Francois
You in the robes. Put down the weapon ofmass destruction
and get on the ground. You're underarrest
Put down your weapons now£¡
Why can't they ever do this the easy way?
World Police. Get down on the ground£¡
Hey£¬ terrorist
Terrorize this
All right£¬ let's make this interesting
You lose
- He's getting away with the WMD£¡ - I got him
Damn£¬ I missed him
Sarah£¬ he's got the bomb. You got a fix?
I got him£¬ Carson. He's heading for the Louvre
Your plans are over
- All right£¬ Sarah. - Yeah£¬ all right£¬ team£¡
Nothing to it
All right
Bonjour,everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon
We stopped the terrorists
I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here
Oh£¬ yeah? About what?
I was thinking that I want you to marry me
- Don't joke about that. - Who's joking?
Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake
- He finally popped the question? - Lisa£¬ you're an amazing woman
And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh£¬ Carson. Carson¡­
Carson£¡
No£¡
Carson
- Feel so cold. - You have to hang on£¬ Carson
Sorry£¬ babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket
No
Lisa£¬ you have to live on
Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy
You deserve¡­
No£¡
Everyone has AIDS
AIDS,AIDS,AIDS
AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS AIDS,AIDS
Everyone has AIDS
And so this is the end ofourstory
And everyone is dead from AIDS
It took from me my best friend
My only true pal
My only bright star
He died ofAIDS
Well,I'm gonna march on Washington
Lead the fight And charge the brigades
There's a hero inside ofall ofus
I'll make them see Everyone has AIDS
- My father - AIDS
- My sister - AIDS
My uncle and my cousin And herbest friend
The gays and the straights And the whites and the spades
Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
- AIDS,AIDS,AIDS - The pope has got it and so do you
Come on,everybody We got quilting to do
We're gonna break down These barricades
Everyone has AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS
AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS
AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS AIDS,AIDS
- Great job£¬ Gary. - Thanks. You too£¬ Steve
That was the greatest acting I've ever seen
I just don't know how you do it£¬ Gary
How do you make yourself so somber and emotional
to make everybody cry like that?
It's not that hard£¬ really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life
Man£¬ wow. Gary is such a great guy
Gary. Oh,no. Help me! Help me!
Get offofme! Get this thing offofme! Gary!
Hello£¬ young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance
Oh£¬ thank you. I don't believe we've met£¬ Mr¡­?
The name is Spottswoode
- Well£¬ nice to meet you. - And you are Gary Johnston
All-American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude
with a doubIe major in theatre and world languages
You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child
Top-gun actor
Hey£¬ hold on a second£¬ are you from Hollywood?
I have an incredible offer for you£¬ Gary. If you're interested£¬ follow me this way
Please£¬ Gary£¬ step into my car
Oh£¬I get it
I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me
Then if I go down on you£¬ I get a movie part
No£¬ I just want to show you something
- Yeah£¬ I'll bet you do. - Please£¬ Gary
I'm not from Hollywood
I'm not going to fuck your mouth£¬ and my time is extremely valuable
- Jesus£¬ this is a nice limo. - Yes£¬ it is
Now£¬ suck my cock
Just kidding
All right£¬ just what the hell is this about?
I hate to break this to you£¬ Gary
but some people out there want you dead
- Dead? - They're called terrorists£¬ Gary
And they hate everything about you
Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor
It's not who you are£¬ Gary£¬ it's what you stand for
And every single minute of every single day
the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you
and everyone else who lives in a free country
The only thing standing in their way is us
You?
Baxter£¬ I think we can ¡°valmorphanize¡± safely now
Okay£¬ a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything
Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
- No. - So then you haven't seen everything
And neither have we
Last week in Paris£¬ we caught four terrorists
with a weapon of mass destruction
The terrorists are planning something very big
And just what does this have to do with me?
Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist
who wants to help them carry out the attack
An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them
This is crazy. I'm an actor£¬ not a spy
That's all spying is£º acting. And they say you're the best
An actor with a double major in theatre and world languages?
Hell£¬ you're the perfect weapon£¬ Gary
Look out£¡
Right this way£¬ you maverick renegade
Welcome to Team Base
Gary£¬ this is Joe£¬ all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska
He's a natural-born leader
I've heard a lot about your acting£¬ Mr. Johnston
- Hope it's as good as they say it is. - And this is Sarah
the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant
in San Francisco
I sense that you're slightly confused right now
That's supposed to be Carson's replacement£¬ a fucking actor?
Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy
but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer
That's right£¬ actor. Just stay the fuck away from me
And finally£¬ we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa?
Right here
Gary£¬ this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think
Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood
We've been doing our best to keep the world safe£¬ Gary
But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs
And intelligence tells us they plan to use them
Isn't that right£¬ I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
- That is affirmative. - I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
The most sophisticated computer in the world
I've intercepted communications that several terrorist groups
are being organized forone massive worldwide attack
From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered
it would be 9/1 1 times 100
9/1 1 times 100? Jesus£¬ that's--
Yes£¬ 91 £¬100
Basically£¬ all the worst parts of the Bible
So now you see why we need you
We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East
If your acting is successful£¬ you'll be able to get us the information we need
to stop this whole thing from happening
Of course£¬ if you're not interested¡­
¡­there's the door
All right. Thanks
Gary. Hey£¬ hold on a second
Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger
How is it my responsibility to do something?
Because like it or not£¬ you're the one with the power to do something
I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns or jets
That doesn't matter. If you wanna help people
all that matters£¬ Gary£¬ is what you have here
Just think about it£¬ okay? Here£¬ take this
Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember£º
Your freedom's at stake too
What do you think Spottswoode sees in him?
I don't know. But I think I see it too
Hey£¬ Baxter
I wanna take a detour
What wouldyou do
Ifyou were asked to give up Yourdreams forfreedom?
What wouldyou do
If asked to make The ultimate sacrifice?
Would you think about All them people
Who gave up everything they had?
Would you think about All them war vets
And would you start to feel bad?
Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
No,there's a hefty fucking fee
And ifyou don't throw in Your buck o'five,who will?
Buck o'five
Freedom costs a buck o'five
Our dear leader£¬ Kim Jong ll£¬ says the weapons of mass destruction
you requested are ready for you to take
I am still in the process of recruiting
and training new terrorists for the attack
We take weapons later
He asks what part of the deal you did not understand
He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you
He says he should fire his translator?
Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?
I cannot berieve that I have a Chechnyan standing here terring me
when he's gonna take a derivery
Herro?
Perhaps we can be ready sooner
Yes£¬ perhaps you can
Now£¬ take your weapons of mass destruction
and get the fuck out of here
I had to come back
- I know you did£¬ son. - I still say this is a fucking mistake
Stop it£¬ Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated
Gary£¬ I'm afraid there's no time
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent
We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away
There's just one problem. I don't look Middle Eastern
Leave that to us
Sarah's a professional at skin grafting and laser ¡°valmoriphication.¡±
Just try to be still
Amazing
The valmoriphication completely worked
Sit up and take a look£¬ Gary
It's uncanny
You're going to fool everyone£¬ Gary
Or should I say¡­
¡­Hakmed
All right£¬ team£¬ we've only got one shot at this£¬ so listen up
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications
that terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern here
- in Cairo. - Cairo. That's in Egypt
Exactly right£¬ Joe
Now£¬ team£¬ your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern
And once he's on the inside£¬ cover his back
Gary£¬ you must use your acting to find out
any information you can from the terrorists
Gary£¬ if for some reason your cover is blown
and the terrorists take you prisoner
well£¬ you'll probably want to take your own life
Here£¬ you'd better have this
All right£¬ team£¬ that's it. We've got a job to do
Let's go police the world
America
America Fuck,yeah
Coming again to save The motherfucking day,yeah
America Fuck,yeah
Freedom is the only way,yeah
Terrorists,your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
America Fuck,yeah
So lick my butt And suck on my balls
America Fuck,yeah
What if the old man is wrong about him£¬ huh?
What if he's not the great actor Spottswoode says he is?
Why don't you trust actors£¬ Chris?
I got my reasons
You all right£¬ Gary?
I was just thinking
On-stage£¬ if I mess up a line£¬ it could mean a bad review
If I mess up here
we're all dead
I believe you can do this£¬ Gary
Why? What reason do you have to believe?
Sometimes believing is all we have
Fear not£¬ Muslim friends. We're here to find terrorists
I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety
All right£¬ good job£¬ Sarah. Now£¬ everyone make for the tavern
Let's get one thing straight£¬ actor. I don't trust you
If you betray us£¬ I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass
so that the next time you shit£¬ you'll shit all over your balls£¬ got it?
- What's your problem with me? - Yeah£¬ you wanna go?
Guys£¬ guys£¬ guys£¡
Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?
The war is out there£¬ man. Out there. Now£¬ pull it together
All right£¬ team£¬ let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet
- Clear. - Clear
Gary£¬ you follow me. The rest of the team
take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One
All right£¬ that's the tavern with the blue door
Act your way past those guards and see what you can find out
Remember£¬ if you think they're onto you£¬ give us the signal
You remember the signal?
That's right. All right£¬ good luck
Go get them£¬ cowboy
Oh£¬ shit
Come on£¬ Gary£¬ act. You have the power
- All right£¬ Gary£¡ - Told you he was top gun
- I've never seen acting that good. - He's amazing
Yeah£¬ no£¬ I know. It's terrible£¬ terrible
We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you?
My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist
Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon?
I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary
My advice is not to get involved with a team member£¬ Sarah
It's too painful to see them die
I'm sorry£¬ Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up--
It's okay£¬ Sarah. I treasure your friendship
I treasure yours£¬ Lisa
Hey£¬ have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?
What would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants
Still£¬ I'd love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields
What do you know?
I heard there might be a large terrorist attack
If you tell me what it is£¬ maybe I could help out
Get out of here. We have put out a jihad on the infidels
because they destroyed our lives
What do you know about pain and sadness?
Gary. Help me! Help me!
Get him off! Get this thing off of me! Gary!
I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village
in their Black Hawk helicopters
The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah
Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched
I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed
by the fiery£¬ black liquid death
In the midst of the chaos
I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help
As quickly as they had come£¬ the infidels were gone
It was on that day I put a jihad on them
And if you don't believe it£¬ then you better kill me now
because I'll put a jihad on you too
I like you. You have balls
I like balls
All right£¬ listen carefully. The WMDs are located
in a secret bunker 20 yards east of this building
You can help us by guarding it and making--
Come. They're onto us£¡
Hurry£¬ friend. We must make our escape
Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka Iaka daka Street
Don't let them get away
I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern
Copy£¬ Sarah. You get Gary£¬ we'll go after the terrorists
America
America Fuck,yeah
Coming again to save The motherfucking day,yeah
America Fuck,yeah
Freedom is the only way,yeah
It's the dream that we all share
It's the hope for tomorrow
Go faster£¬ you idiot
Die£¡ Infidels£¡
- They're not stopping. - They had their chance
Missed. Wide right
One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something
It's me. It's me
Looks like he's saying£¬ ¡°Kiss me. Kiss me.¡±
Smartass motherfucker
- Gary? - An infidel
Kill her
Gary?
- Sarah to Team America Four. - What you got£¬ Sarah?
Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with--
- Say again. You're breaking up. - Joe£¬ do you copy?
- I'll get him. - Lisa?
I lost her
It's all right. We'll kill these guys£¬ then we'll find out what she wants
Right
Hey£¬ guys£¬ I think we should pull over
Pull over? Yes£¬ of course
Pull over£¬ let them pass us£¬ and when they turn around£¬ we charge them
I love your balls
Shit£¬ they got by me
- What are we doing? - This jeep is filled with explosives
We're going to take their lives and our own
We're gonna what?
- Hang on£¬ Joe. - Die£¬ infidels
Surprise£¬ cockfags£¡
All right. We fucking did it
Spottswoode,it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down
Great job£¬ team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails
This is breaking news with Peter Jennings
Team America has once again pissed off the entire world
after blowing up half of Cairo
And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out
Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild
The Film Actors Guild believes
that what the world needs is compassion£¬ not violence
All that Team America does is create new enemies
Let me explain to you how this works
You see£¬ the corporations finance Team America
And then Team America goes out£¬ and the corporations sit there in their--
In their corporation buildings£¬ and£¬ see£¬ they're all corporation-y
and they make money
Last year I went to Iraq
Before Team America showed up£¬ it was a happy place
They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies
and rivers made of chocolate£¬ where the children danced
and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles
The actors are calling for an emergency meeting
Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt
George Clooney,Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen,Susan Sarandon
Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon
Matt Damon
In the meantime£¬ the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals
their own way
Hans Brix? Oh£¬ no
Oh£¬ herro£¬ great to see you again£¬ Hans
Mr. ll£¬ I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today
and your guards won't let me into certain areas
Hans£¬ Hans£¬ Hans. We've been through this a dozen times
I don't have any weapons of mass destruction£¬ okay£¬ Hans?
Then let me look around so I can ease the U.N.'s collective mind
Hans£¬ you're breaking my barrs here. Hans£¬ you're breaking my barrs
I'm sorry£¬ but the U.N. must be firm with you
Let me see your whole palace or else
Or else what?
Or else we will be very£¬ very angry with you
And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are
Okay£¬ I'll show you£¬ Hans. You ready?
Stand a rittle to your reft
A rittle more
Good
There you go£¬ Hans Brix
How you rike that£¬ you fucking cocksucker?
Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am£¬ Hans Brix?
Well£¬ fuck you. You want inspection?
Well£¬ inspect that£¬ you buttfucking piece of shit
What£¬ you think I'm just a petty arms dearer?
I'm pranning the attack
Congraturations£¬ Team America£¬ you have stopped nothing
Congratulations£¬ Gary. You've done an amazing thing
It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again
We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team£¬ Gary
Terrorists£¬ your game is through
You're the best£¬ Gary
So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep£¬ and he¡­
You might have all the others fooled£¬ but not me
Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger
The next time you pull a stunt like that£¬ I'll drill two holes through your dick
so that when you pee£¬ it shoots out in all different directions. You got it?
Hey£¬ Sarah£¬ do you mind if I dance with you?
No£¬ of course not£¬ Joe
Joe£¬ do you think it's okay for team members to date?
Sarah£¬ really?
Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
I think it's better than all right. It's great£¡
Oh£¬ good. I'm so glad you think so
Gary? You okay?
I was just wondering if I can let go of an old£¬ painful memory
Is it anything that you wanna talk about?
When I was a kid£¬ I always looked up to my older brother£¬ Tommy
He was the jock£¬ and I was the little performer
We were all out at the zoo one day
I was doing some acting£¬ walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit
I fell in
Everyone screamed£¬ and Tommy jumped in after me
forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket
The gorillas just went wild
They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll
to get to those blueberries
One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla£¬ who tossed him to another
Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help
but it was too late
The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all
My acting¡­
¡­got my brother killed
I've had to live with that¡­
¡­every single day
Gary£¬ you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did
I think I can finally let it go
Because my acting saved the entire world
And something even better happened
What?
I met somebody who took my breath away
Gary£¬ no
I'm sorry
It's just¡­ Things are really complicated£¬ Gary
I know about Carson
I know how it feels
God£¬ I'm so confused
It's too soon to be having feelings for you
Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them
But I have to control them
because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful
So-- So£¬ what£¬ you're just gonna shut down?
I really like you
There's no chance we can ever be together?
Only if you could promise me you'll never die
You know I can't promise that
If you did that£¬ I would make love to you right now
I promise. I will never die
I need this,I need love I need you
I don't need one heartbeat I need two
There's an emptiness I need to fill
And only one emptiness will do
Only a woman Can brighten up my day
Only a woman Can touch me the right way,yeah
Only a woman Is allowed to touch me there
All I ask Is that you're a woman
Lisa£¬ you're the most amazing person I've ever met
It's only been a short time£¬ but I think that I'm completely in love--
Let's not talk
I can't help it. This just feels so right
and I don't want anything to mess it up
There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up